It has been 3 weeks, 1 month– 2 months? Since my last confession…

Writing this post, my fingers are pissed off and my brain is sputtering. I have been uninspired and too “busy” to sit down and write lately. I could use the usual justifications to make myself feel less guilty like: I had two surgeries, I’m too busy, too tired, too apathetic, too whatever–but really, I have just been lazy. There, I said it.  Now lets forgive each other and move. Thank you.

2012 Year of the Dragon (Google)

As you are already aware, it is year 2012; the year of the dragon as determined by the Chinese calendar, meaning: it is going to be one heck of year, especially if you were born under this sign. Dragon years are predicted as being lucky, risky, and over-the-top. With that said, this year I am going to take a risk, and instead of making promises to myself that I will unlikely keep, I am going to make a list of what I am not going to do this year: Anti-resolutions.

Now, I have never  been big on making New Years resolutions in the first place. If I have a goal or a new bar I want to set, I just go out and do it. I guess I have never had a need to compile a list of  New Years resolutions. However, this year is going to be different. Looking back at 2011 and 2010, I can now see some patterns forming. So rather than come up with new promises that I know I’m not going to follow through on, I will focus on not repeating the same mistakes twice, or thrice.

Here are a few of my 2012 Anti-resolutions:

1. I will not let others bad energy determine mine.

2. I will no longer switch over to white wine after drinking red all night. It never works out.

3. I will no longer make an effort to give sincere advice and empathy to people who still refuse to take it, or actually listen.

4. I will not eat waffles with peanut butter for dinner three times a week. Only two.

5. I will not practice patience. Impatient people get things done, damn it!

6. I will not keep trying to read and eat at the same time…still is impossible.

7. I will not stop photographing depressing things. It is my camera and I’ll do what I want, if you don’t like it, don’t look at it.

8. I will not stop listening to K-pop. In fact, I plan on developing an unhealthy obsession.

9. I will not stop judging people who wear flip-flops with jeans, even though I am one of those people now and understand it.

10. I will never stop believing that I am awesome, I am a dragon after all–so this should be my year!

… also I will never stop believing that unicorns do exist.

The Last Unicorn (Google)

(Fringe-credit:CB)

I’ve been to hell and back, then back again.

I don’t have any respect for authority anymore. I respect people for who they are, but  people  who hold positions of authority–I could care less about, let alone be intimidated.

Everyday I wake up and think about bad things that could happen to me, just to feel a reaction. But I don’t feel anything but relief. I don’t fear being jobless, alone, robbed, assaulted or dead. When I think about the potential calamities that can shake me at any moment, all I can visualize is myself standing there with a smart-ass smile on my face saying bring it; inviting the fear to do its worst. Don’t construe this post to be apathetic. I know exactly what apathy feels like. With apathy there is a sense of hopelessness. But I don’t feel hopeless. I feel even more open to the world, because without fear holding you back, anything is possible.

What I am attempting to describe is a sense of fearless, not recklessness, but being able to fully acknowledge the consequences of life and invite them with a smile. If someone pointed a gun at me I wouldn’t beg for my life. I’m going to die, or I’m not. I’m not afraid.

This is what a person sounds like when they realize they have nothing left to lose. It is actually quite freeing psychologically, and should not be viewed negatively. It is almost a Nirvana like emotion.

I feel enlightened and crazy at the same time. But I’m kind of thinking that craziness and enlightenment is one in the same…

Do we really understand what unconditional means? (photo by CB)

I think that more often than not, the majority of the promises and statements people make are conditional. Meaning that people don’t just say or do things because they want to. They do things because they expect something in return. People’s actions are based on certain conditions. These conditions lie within our subconscious, and even though we don’t know that they exist within us, they are certainly the driving forces behind our actions. This is nothing new, in fact it is extremely fundamental. We do something on the condition that we will get a certain reaction out of it.

For those of you who say, “I don’t do things for my gain, or “I believe in helping people without expecting anything in return.”

Look closer within yourself.

Even if you truly do something for someone without expecting the favor returned, for example: loaning someone money and not asking them to pay you back—may certainly seem like a selfless act. But think for a second and ask yourself: if you were loaning a close friend some money, would you feel good about yourself? Would you feel happy or pleased with yourself knowing you committed a genuine and true act of selflessness? If your answer is yes, then you’ve already  subconsciously inserted your conditions upon this act. So the question is, was the act that you committed truly genuine? Does this concept of “being genuine” even exist in nature? I’m not so sure.

Now before you get all angry about what I’m saying here, which is: deep-down even the most selfless of individuals have their own self-serving  conditions they place on the world—just remember–this is a theory I’m trying to work out. You can take it or leave it. But I believe that I am on to something.

If doing something for someone else, makes you feel like a better person, you are indeed placing the conditions of your happiness on other people. And that’s not fair.

Unconditional love is supposed to be tragic, not the fairytale people are deluded into believing. True unconditional love destroys you, because you do things for someone because you have to, to keep on breathing; not because you want to.

Distorted Moon-CB

It just so happened that my room-mate (a.k.a. my mother) was out-of-town when the blackout hit; I was left alone to my own devices. Well, I wasn’t completely alone though, I had Suki and Zoey to hang out with (my dogs). However, they are not much for conversation; so like always, I had to amuse myself for a while. So I sat on my sticky hot leather couch with a wet towel smothered across my body to defend against the stale heat trapped in the house; having multiple conversations with myself. I found out that I am pretty interesting to talk to.

The following are conservations I had with myself during the San Diego blackout on September 8, 2011:

1. I’m a bad Californian due to the fact that we are prone to earthquakes, I should probably have a stockpile of emergency supplies inside my garage for earthquakes and events like this. But I don’t.  That’s embarrassing. (Then I immediately made a list of supplies I would need: 3 days worth of water, peanut butter, batteries, blankets, generator, small solar-powered radio, first aid kit, flash lights, a gun, and more peanut butter).

2. Can this secretly be the Apocalypse please? You may think I have serious problems, but I know I am not alone out there when I say that there are a lot of people who romanticize and fantasize about the end of the world happening, or a catastrophic event occurring; forcing the human race to start all over again. Call me crazy but I get secretly excited on the prospect of abandoning this delusional existence as we know it– having to live off the land and hunt and kill to survive; living at the mercy nature. Simply living in the hands of the universe. This blackout reminded me again that all the modern-day comforts of air conditioning, power, clean drinking water; are just all that; comforts that act as illusions and buffers from reality–they give us a false sense of security when at any moment we could be wiped out completely–the reality is that we are living on that threshold everyday.

3. Seriously, how did people live like this before? Since I couldn’t find the flashlights, I had to light every candle I could find in the house, walking around with it if I had to move to another room. It was fun for the first five minutes, but when I actually had to go look for something by candle light it became very inconvenient and I ended up spilling candle wax everywhere. Now I understand why before electricity, everyone went straight to bed when it got dark; because you can’t get s*** done by candle light! Luckily, my iPad was charged at 50 percent, so I played Angry Birds for about an hour….

4. Hey! Screw these candles, I can use the solar-powered walkway lights in the front and backyard for light! Gee, I’m such a smarty…So I brought in a few solar-powered garden lights and strategically place them inside my house. They lights did not exude too much light, but just enough to light up the hallways so I wouldn’t eat it trying to get to the bathroom during the night.

5. I hope no one tries to steal the remaining solar power lights left in my front yard. Who knows? If this power outage lasts a few more days or weeks, my solar lights may become a coveted item….

6. Which one of my dogs would I eat first if I ran out of food? Yes, there is no arguing that this is a morbid thought, but it could easily become a serious dilemma. Hmm, Suki is all muscle, and Zoey is fatter– so perhaps tastier–but I enjoy Zoey’s company more; but then again, Suki is a good watchdog…decisions decisions.

…Those were just some of the more prominent conversations going through my head that night, trust me, there were a lot more…

“Travel is at its best a solitary enterprise: to see, to examine, to assess, you have to be alone and unencumbered. Other people can mislead you; they crowd your meandering impressions with their own; if they are companionable they obstruct your view, and if they are boring they corrupt the silence with non sequiturs, shattering your concentration with “Oh, look, it’s raining” and “You see a lot of trees here.” It is hard to see clearly or to think straight in the company of other people. What is required is the lucidity of loneliness to capture that vision which, however banal, seems in your private mood to be special and worthy of interest.” –The Old Patagonian Express

“To a greater or lesser extent there goes on in every person a struggle between two forces: the longing for privacy and the urge to go places: introversion, that is, interest directed within oneself toward one’s own inner life of vigourus thought and fancy; and extroversion, interest directed outward, toward the external world of people and tangible values.”–Valdimir Nabokov, Lecture on Russian Literature 

….Truer words have never been spoken.

Dark and light--by me.

I realize that I was meant to struggle because I am strong enough to handle it.

If everybody accepted the fact that they were destined to struggle from birth to death, everyone would be better off. Capitalism has just fogged our destiny, but it has always been there, this is not a new concept.

Whether we like it or not, we are all victims of reality, anyone who disagrees is delusional about their own mortality. Accepting destiny or the struggle does not make anybody a victim, however, it allows us to keep on trucking, no matter what ends up happening.

I wish people would stop trying to escape struggle. It is kind of strange actually…going through life struggling not to struggle. The jokes on you. Humanity’s greatest laugh of all.

Although, by accepting the definiteness of your struggle, you are enlightened yet cursed.

Enlightened because you can see all the possibilities your struggle can take you; cursed because these possibilities overwhelm you to numbness. The desire to pursue one possibility over another forms a cloud of regret over your head–raining all over you.

I guess the question you have to ask yourself is, “Do I want to accept my struggle?”

By accepting struggle you allow yourself to move beyond the trivial and ominous path of the fanatical happiness, and finality of loneliness that shelters you from the fear of living.

By W.Eggleston

I don’t know what I wanted from you, I don’t know what I want or expect from a lot of people, sometimes I feel like I’m just floating along, nowhere to go, no where really to be found, the world seems to get bigger and bigger everyday and I see so much possibility in every action or decision, that I sometimes feel groundless–like nothing really is ever under my feet at all. And I like it.

I don’t want to stand on anything, I just want to keep floating endlessly.

I don’t want to know anybody and I don’t want anybody to know me.

I don’t want anymore meaningless conversations with you where you pretend to like my earrings, and pretend to care about my obsessions with eastern European philosophy or the world ending.

I know all you want is to posses me, dangle me in front of everybody like a prize. Lets just cut to the chase where you tell me all you want is someone to regularly make you feel less alone at night.

Well I don’t want to feel less alone. I sit here and watch the world and sirens go by. I don’t want to need you, I don’t want to know what it feels like to need anybody, I just want to feel the cold midnight breeze on my warm skin at night, serenading me like a lullaby.

I want to stand terrified and screaming like a maniac in the alone-ness. I want to stand in the middle of a dark desert conversing with the stars. I want to be uncomfortable in the painful numbness of a solo existence. How freeing it would be for no one to know you, or care, oh how freeing it would be to be an insignificant bore.

I think it is silly that people are afraid of this. The reality of companionship is not real at all when you see everything out of your own skull. Don’t you realize everything you’re seeing isn’t your world, but somebody else’s?

Reality is nothing, reality is the tired at its core.

puddle- by me.

“Oh yeah, I have been meaning to write…maybe next weekend.”

Yep, that has been the story of my life lately. I’ve been too consumed in my life to write about life. Odd. It happens though.

My blood has been pulsating lately, it’s hard to describe.

Some days I’ve never felt more alive; completely in the moment and unihbited…other times I feel like a robot. Up then down—and all around.

I’m pretty fricken’ happy right now.

If you are still reading this post, you’re probably thinking I am bi-polar or having a nervous breakdown.

Life has taken some wild turns, there has been struggle, disappointment, fear, love, and hate. But for some reason, I can’t stop being happy.

When bad things happen in life, you can either let the bad consume you and allow it to justify your pity party, or you can never look back. I have finally learned to never look back. I’m lucky. Some people spend their whole lives chasing ghosts.

When I see the sun filter through the wooden shades in my room, I feel warm. I feel like I don’t need anyone, all I need is the sun. There is so much to be grateful for. But it’s disappointing. We call it trash and then throw it away.

My dreams are vivid. Sweat mists my cheekbones, and I see a vibrant green blade of grass sprouting from the earthy ground into slow motion. Why doesn’t anybody care? Why doesn’t anybody see this?

Fireworks--by (me)

No more pencils, no more books, no more teachers dirty looks! Okay, so now what do I occupy my time with? Actually, that question in itself makes me smile about the massive uncertainity of my future.

While some recent grads may be petrified about the fuzziness of how their post-college lives will unfold, since the safety and structure of school has vanished, others, like me, feel elated and completely excited by the ambiguity of tomorrow; for it has taught me to live in the present.

While in school, we never really live in the present. Everything is surrounded by tomorrow: I have to do this, complete that, go there. But now, the world has gotten a lot bigger since then, and it is exciting. Especially when you know what you want to do and where you want to go.

This elated state may be a temporary one. When I start working and begin making my student loan payments, the world may get smaller again, but I’m prepared for that. All I know is that I’m excited because I know my abilities and believe in myself, and good things will come my way.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a beehive (google images).

I have been away from my apartment for a week now, so I have had some time to reflect on my current habitual status. The up’s and down’s that come with this new community oriented territory are sometimes annoying.

This year is the first time I have lived in an apartment, so far, I quite like it–since I don’t have to deal with  psychopathic roommates from craigslist. However, I can’t shake the feeling of always being around people in such close proximity and literally hearing them cough (more like hack up a lung) through the walls.

Now I really do appreciate the fact that I am able to have my own apartment, and quite frankly, I’m extremely lucky and feel totally undeserving of it–but time to time, I just feel as if I’m a barn animal locked up in a corral with all the other heathens.

Although my apartment complex is pretty awesome, since not a lot of your typical, beer guzziling, Ke$sha fanatic’s live there. So in that sense, it is a miracle in itself.

BUT…

Yes, I have that neighbor,

You know the one right?

The one where I can hear loud breathing combined with strange yelping’s at 1am…I cringe even thinking about it….must I explain further? I think not.

Anyways, I’m sure anyone who has ever lived in an apartment has had the same kind of neighbor that I currently have now.

I think that apartments are not natural settings. People constantly coming and going, awkardly trying to avoid talking to other people that cross their paths in common spaces. Maybe its just me, but I kinda get freaked out seeing people that I have never seen before taking a dip in the pool; strangers.

We are all strangers living together.

That idea is just a little odd, thats all.