I’ve been to hell and back, then back again.
I don’t have any respect for authority anymore. I respect people for who they are, but people who hold positions of authority–I could care less about, let alone be intimidated.
Everyday I wake up and think about bad things that could happen to me, just to feel a reaction. But I don’t feel anything but relief. I don’t fear being jobless, alone, robbed, assaulted or dead. When I think about the potential calamities that can shake me at any moment, all I can visualize is myself standing there with a smart-ass smile on my face saying bring it; inviting the fear to do its worst. Don’t construe this post to be apathetic. I know exactly what apathy feels like. With apathy there is a sense of hopelessness. But I don’t feel hopeless. I feel even more open to the world, because without fear holding you back, anything is possible.
What I am attempting to describe is a sense of fearless, not recklessness, but being able to fully acknowledge the consequences of life and invite them with a smile. If someone pointed a gun at me I wouldn’t beg for my life. I’m going to die, or I’m not. I’m not afraid.
This is what a person sounds like when they realize they have nothing left to lose. It is actually quite freeing psychologically, and should not be viewed negatively. It is almost a Nirvana like emotion.
I feel enlightened and crazy at the same time. But I’m kind of thinking that craziness and enlightenment is one in the same…