Filed under poetry

Fishing

drive-in-theater

I chipped my left front tooth on a metal water fountain at the Santee Drive-in when I was 16.

We were drinking tall cans of Steele Reserve. I can still taste the rusted piss. I would buy a gram of weed and a pack of cigarettes every week with the 20 dollars my mom would give me to buy lunch. They didn’t card at Eastridge Liquor. Instead the Middle Eastern…no, Indian? No…Persian clerk? Would give us whatever we wanted provided he could stuff said bottles of Popov down our shirts and underneath our bras. With his foreign hand he would gently pull the padding of our bras forward to make room for the vodka, and push down on the top of the bottle, wedging it slowly between both breasts.

I would walk out of the liquor store with a couple 5ths of rum and vodka protruding out of my oversized bra, looking like a deformed doll. It was cool though. If you told him you had a boyfriend or walked in with a guy he would leave you alone.

He got arrested eventually.

Before heading to the drive-in, we had to fish for our alcohol since we were fresh out of neighborhood pedophiles for the time being. No one wanted to do it, but someone had to buck up and ask one of the schizoid bums to liberate us.

Whenever we succeeded I felt invincible. Nothing could touch me. I can’t remember the name of the one bum who was always happy to buy liquor for us as long as we bought some for him. He was Rastafarian with matted dreads and clothes to match; he would ride around town on a razor scooter.

I hopped in the trunk with a friend two blocks before the Drive-in, I never had any money left over to pay for a ticket.

I liked sneaking in.

I liked seeing the red tail light shine through the cracks of the trunk, like laser beams out to get me. It was like I won something for once.

Authority didn’t matter. I decided to drink authority, all of it. To smoke it down to the roach. To consume it and make it mine. That’s was the only way I had learned to defeat it, by taking it upon myself. Instead of saying fuck you, I said fuck me and chipped my tooth by falling face first onto a water fountain trying to get to the bathroom.

I didn’t even notice till the next morning. I felt a rough patch on my tooth with my tongue. Sliding my tongue over it again and again until I finally looked at myself in the mirror, and forced a smiled.

My mom said I ruined my perfect teeth.

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Mrs. Mildred Pierce

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I am Veda in the way that I too can never have enough,
although it is not money, fame, or class that I crave.
It is love,
and I feel so weak because of it.
And you Mildred, you are weak too.

You knead your warm hands into brown pie crust instead of my heart.
You wash away the pesticides on vegetables instead of my hair.
You abandon me for Monty, and throw shiny, pretty things at me to buy my loyalty. Monty bought my loyalty as well. But when you went broke he disappeared, and so did you.

Too guilty to love me, too guilty to hate me. I mirror you, and you mirror me; it’s nobody’s fault.

All the girls in our family are doomed to have this fate tattooed on their foreheads.
Mothers who live for their daughters, daughters who live for their mothers; both hold on so tight they suffocate the other. Both live for her and not themselves.

The only thing deeper than love is pain.

There is no love between Mildred and Veda because love is not a strong enough word to define the bond between a mother and a daughter.

If love isn’t destructive and terrifying or filled with resentment, then there is no love.

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Piano Man

Diane Arbus

Diane Arbus

He targeted us. We were so blind. So vulnerable.

My mom needed so much help, she didn’t know what to do.

She had post-partum depression. She admitted to throwing me in my crib while I endlessly screamed and cried. I’m not mad about it.

I know why he did it. He secretly hoped that the light would touch his stained hands and ease the pain.

It worked for a while. But it wasn’t long until he needed more. Until he needed to posses innocent life in his own right. To mold it for his pleasure. To raise it and teach it how to love, to punish it; to teach it soccer and fishing.

She needed him too. Damn did she needed him.

He thought he found bliss with us. But his sickness swelled up like a boil full of puss, pulsating and throbbing, begging for release. He tricked us, made us love him, depend on him, fight for him.

He turned on us.

I know she left me alone with him.

I remember sitting in the dark playing his piano. I remember the sound of mismatched keys and tiny fingers mashing the foreign instrument. I tried to make a harmony that I could understand but it only sounded like a cry for help. I played so hard hoping my heart could force a song and all of it would make sense. I never played the piano before. I wasn’t old enough for lessons yet.

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The Unit

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Huddled in the corner of a couch wrapped too tight with a blanket

I look like an old women

I feel like I have the mind of one at least.

It is exhausted to the bone

nothing gets resolved, just the same,

same screams, same anger, same screams.

I’m so tired of this song.

The T.V. is on a static loop and I see his shadow mirroring me.

I am afraid he is going to lock me up in the adolescent psych unit where he works.

It is his word against mine and his always wins.

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Tunnel Vision

It just hits.

Comes out of nowhere.

It doesn’t happen that often now because of the medication.

But it still comes.

A sickness that will never leave me.

A mind that won’t stop thinking until it destroys itself.

I will never truly know what it feels like to be lonely because of it.

It has me and I have it.

I can’t trade it for anything, there are no barters.

It is my enemy, it is my best friend.

It is my lover and cheater.

Sometimes I miss it when it’s gone.

But when it’s back I want it to leave.

It comforts me, it weakens me.

I only cry in my dreams now.

Maybe that is the problem. You can’t medicate sadness. You have to release it, set it free.

But then why do I feel empty when it’s gone?

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The Back of his Head

Infinite lake in the middle of a desert,

We pulled over to go fishing but the water was too salty.

There were no fish.

Only women scuba divers looking for pearls.

You were outside of the car. I could only see the back of your head.

I knew that was my time to escape. I slid over into the drivers seat and drove off.

I didn’t know where I was going on that two lane highway.

I was scared he was going to find me.

He did.

I was pushed back over to the passengers seat and he took my knife away from me and chewed on it until it was dull.

Then he threw it out the window.

My fingers ached in anger, and I twisted and broke anything I could get my hands on. I broke his sunglasses into pieces but new ones kept appearing in the cup holder.

So I braced myself and hurled my tiny body out of the moving car and onto the dirt road. I rolled a few times. The car kept going. I knew I was finally free.

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Girls and Dolls

doll by Sara Heinrichs (awfulsara) on Flickr

 

Women like us learned to play with dolls from an early age. We learned to dress them properly, bursh their hair and nurture them with unconditional love. Some may even say that is how we learned to love when no one else was around to show us how.

Straight perfect brunette hair that shined under paper lanterns–ivory plastic skin that moved when I willed it to, a miniature vanity dresser with a miniature gold sleigh bed to match, all occupied the smallest corner of my room.

I tucked them in at night, kissed them on the forehead and hoped that they would dream of stars.

Women like us learned that someday, the dolls would betray us. They would stop listening to us and threaten to run away. So we would punish them; strip them bare and tell them they couldn’t wear paisley dresses anymore. We would sit them in the corner and tell them we would never love them again.

Cobwebs and dust would later start forming in that small corner of the room where our dolls slept. The dust would sit on their eyelids forcing both eyes to slowly close completely.

Time to pack them up in a cardboard box. Put them in the attic and forget they ever happened.

That is how I learned to love.

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Streaks of Stars

She plucks a long blonde strand of hair from her head and

wonders how she got here. Hundreds of cells combining

over and over again to form an eye, a nose, a heart.

She imagines that long strand of hair is part of a galaxy swimming in the stars above her;

Swirling through cosmic dust and narrowly avoiding black holes.

The hair follicle is the sun; the blonde acts as its rays shining down on her split ends that lead to dark matter.

She lets the strand go into the air somewhere.

She watches it fly away until it is too small to see.

At night she looks up at the stars.

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Open Eyes that are Blind

piccsy.com

Have you ever sat and stared at a blank wall?

Have you ever laid in your bed, eyes fixed, glazed over, soul-less–looking at the ceiling for hours?

Have you ever felt nothing?

Have you ever been scared?

I have.

If you have…you know what I’m talking about.

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Mojave

CB

You kissed my face and

The sun went down

Surrounding me in the darkness of your warmth.

Rusted pieces of the past glitter in the desert sand

Filled with broken bits of quartz and animal bones.

You found me there.

Where Ghosts hide behind the shadows of the rocks.

Their spirits encircle the wind.

They are dust. They are the arid land.

You close your eyes and inhale deeply. You take in death. You take in life.

That is the way of the Mojave.

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Say Something, Anything

English 247, SDCC, Spring 2013

The Spirit of a Writer

A writer perservers. A Writer endures. A Writer writes because they must

A Canvas Of The Minds

A unique collaboration of different perspectives on mental health and life

HarsH ReaLiTy

My goal with this blog is to offend everyone in the world at least once with my words… so no one has a reason to have a heightened sense of themselves. We are all ignorant, we are all found wanting, we are all bad people sometimes.

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