Filed under independence

The Sea.

(crests: by me)

So as you probably have noticed, I have been writing some poetry lately.

I don’t know if it is the change in the weather or my subconscious trying to tell me something, but I have been experiencing strange and intense dreams over the past few weeks. Some I can so vividly remember I jot them down now and again. This is one of them:

I dreamed of a ship with beautiful bounty.
We were on the Dead Sea.

My eyeliner was salt crusted to my lids. You tucked my hair behind my ear and I hated you then.

I looked at you and your arms became the Mast.
I tied the ropes.
I jumped the ship.

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Apartment Living

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a beehive (google images).

I have been away from my apartment for a week now, so I have had some time to reflect on my current habitual status. The up’s and down’s that come with this new community oriented territory are sometimes annoying.

This year is the first time I have lived in an apartment, so far, I quite like it–since I don’t have to deal with  psychopathic roommates from craigslist. However, I can’t shake the feeling of always being around people in such close proximity and literally hearing them cough (more like hack up a lung) through the walls.

Now I really do appreciate the fact that I am able to have my own apartment, and quite frankly, I’m extremely lucky and feel totally undeserving of it–but time to time, I just feel as if I’m a barn animal locked up in a corral with all the other heathens.

Although my apartment complex is pretty awesome, since not a lot of your typical, beer guzziling, Ke$sha fanatic’s live there. So in that sense, it is a miracle in itself.

BUT…

Yes, I have that neighbor,

You know the one right?

The one where I can hear loud breathing combined with strange yelping’s at 1am…I cringe even thinking about it….must I explain further? I think not.

Anyways, I’m sure anyone who has ever lived in an apartment has had the same kind of neighbor that I currently have now.

I think that apartments are not natural settings. People constantly coming and going, awkardly trying to avoid talking to other people that cross their paths in common spaces. Maybe its just me, but I kinda get freaked out seeing people that I have never seen before taking a dip in the pool; strangers.

We are all strangers living together.

That idea is just a little odd, thats all.

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Home.

You think you know everything there is to know about yourself and the world around you…and then you go live in a foreign country for fourth months and shortly after learn that you were actually really arrogant and ignorant. No matter how much you read or educate yourself about the world, you never really know shit until you have lived somewhere completely out of your element and experienced it for yourself.

In about 11 hours I will be making my way back to Incheon airport, ending my journey  exactly where it began in August. Honestly, I feel indifferent about going home. Sure I miss all my loved ones and  all the comforts and conveniences of home, but at the same time I am not looking forward to confronting and re-familiarizing myself with all the problems that I deserted.

I guess that I am now realizing that one of my reasons for coming to Korea was the fact that I would be leaving all my problems I was avoiding or in denial of. Yeah, I know that’s not the best way of handling things, but I didn’t exactly realize this at the time.

To tell you the truth, I am actually really scared to go back home.

Will I be able to insert myself back into my old life? Or will it be different? Have I lost a bit of myself? Will I have the courage and strength to finally  face the problems that I left? I certainly hope so.

Despite all the uncertanites that await me once I land back on American soil, I am actually very excited to go back to America; a place where I can understand the language and not look completely out of place! However I am sad to leave all the friends I have made in Korea, Koreans are the most genuine people I have ever met, I mean that.

When I step on that plane tomorrow and get ready for my  13 hour flight (roughly), I will be excited yet anxious of what will await me on the other side.

 

p.s. Neil Diamond is king.

The American dream (google images)

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Crossroads…

It was exactly around this time last year, when I was on the verge of a new beginning. It is amazing how last summer things were so drastically different, the disappointments and sadness of future events ceased to exist, and only hope and renewal pulsed through my veins. But with every summer, the promise of a new year manifests into a vague memory, and the path that you meticulously set off to blaze erodes behind you. You are left wondering.

You are at a crossroads, were the happiness and promise you were feeling last year, last month, or week, completely disappears like a ring of smoke into the dark night. Maybe you lost a bit of yourself after a summer’s sunset faded black beneath the sea. Maybe your whole world was turned upside down by betrayal, or maybe the summer infatuation you had with someone fizzled out along with the sunny skies. What ever it was, it is moments like those where you find yourself standing in the middle of a pile dirt, trying to figure where to go, and if you do know where you are going, you probably are trying to figure out the consequences or glory of it all.

I have recently found myself at a fork in the road, although I already made the decision of which way I will be going, the transition from here to there has had me in an indifferent state. I know I am on the verge of entering into a new chapter and I have absolutely no idea where I’ll end up. I can’t promise anyone that I will be the same person when I get back, or that I will want the same things; this thought worries me and exhilarates me both at the same time.

Making plans to leave the U.S. to go live somewhere so completely different for fourth months, has a lot of people around me puzzled to say the least, and yes, I am scared shitless. I have no idea whats going to happen when I get there. But I have come to recognize that this decision is essential, and even though I am scared, nothing ever worth pursuing comes without risk, it is these moments—these crossroads that define who we are.

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Commuter Contemplations.

Wether you commute during the week or just the weekends, commuting can sometimes be transcendent.

Wether you commute during the week or just weekends; commuting can sometimes become a transcendent experience.

The speed of your tires hitting the grey concrete creates a soothing wisshing noise as your feet, thighs, and back, slowly begin to melt and contour into the shape of the driver’s seat. Your hands and eye lids are heavy with fatigue, yet you are alert and agile; weaving your way over to the fast lane like its second nature. You are no longer driving, you are no longer in the car; you become this apparatus.

The car is now an extension of you, there is no beginning or end to your body.

As my eyes begin to glaze over, consumed by the comfortable numbness that is driving, I can’t help but think of my fellow commuters who are going through the same motions as I am. I wonder where they are going or what they did this weekend. Was their weekend fun or stressful? Did they commute back home to visit family? To work? To mix some business with pleasure?

I am completely alone with my thoughts, and the road is an ideal place to be left alone. However I fear where my idle thoughts may lead, I fear they will overcome me.  For the hour and a half drive terrifies me at times, when I know my thoughts that day are not comfortable ones. I am left thinking about all the things I have said, all the good and bad experiences that I have had , and all the people I have left behind; I take all of these thoughts and question relentlessly, “how did I get here?”

Just after Oceanside and before Camp Pendleton, the partly cloudy skies are illuminated with the hazy oranges and purples of the sunset. I look around at other drivers, hoping that maybe I will catch some other nameless commuters eye and they will miraculously nod at me in understanding, comforted by the fact that we are not alone in this journey.

I still have a long way to go.

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Take Down Capitalism By Taking Up Arms.

Graffiti reading, "the coming insurrection."

Graffiti reading in French,"the coming insurrection."

Publication of, "The Coming Insurrection."

Publication of, The Coming Insurrection.

“To free ourselves from this misfortune would require a long and consistent learning process,and multiple, massive experiments.  We’ll have to know how to fight, how to pick locks, how to set fractures and deal with throat infections; how to build a pirate radio transmitter; how to set up street cafes; how to aim straight; how to gather together scattered knowledge and set up wartime agronomics; understand plankton biology;soil composition; study the way plants interact and thus rediscover lost intuitions; get to know possible uses for and connections with our immediate surroundings, and the limits we can’t go beyond without exhausting them; and we have to start to do all that today, and on the days when we’ll need to be able to get more than just a symbolic helping of food and a meager satisfaction of our other needs.”–excerpt from The Coming Insurrection p. 46

It is a feeling pressed deep down inside of you, crushed behind your spine, twisting, turning, wrenching to breath. It is the feeling of the stable ground beneath your feet, that comes to the surface every once in a while when you misstep and almost fall. It is the lie defeated, when you realize that the ground you walk on, that you rely on, that you believe in, disintegrates underneath you. It is the terrifyingly painful, but elated feeling you get when your stomach drops.

I want this feeling, I need this feeling. Im scared as hell but completely overjoyed by the future prospects of this feeling. To see fires burning in the distance, all meaningful objects annihilated, no economy, no institutions; just the raw world untamed.

I am not speaking of anarchy, but rather a destruction of western culture. I guess that could be considered a form of anarchy to some, but not in the context I have been exploring.

The book The Coming Insurrection compiled by an anonymous collective named “The Invisible Committee,” urges the decay and destruction of the dominant, capitalistic, western worldview by mapping out the tangible  processes and scenarios of what this intentional collapse would actually entail. In addition to what we must do to initiate it and what it would look like. Published in 2007 by La Fabrique, a French publication before being published in English by Semiotext(e) in August 2009, was articulated a few years after the suburban uprising in Paris which ignited the violent  riots of 2005. However, this book is more than just a response to the events that took place at that time. It is a call to action for all who are constantly bombarded with the feelings I just described, and are fed up with path western culture and conditioning have led us. This book is not just a theory or contemplation of a hypothetical collapse that has often been argued in a philosophical sense. In other words, this book is revolutionary because it aims to utilize actual direction and outline the tools necessary to kick over western society as we know it, as opposed to other literary bodies of work that are perfectly content with just merely entertaining the idea.

Like I said, this book calls people to action. Not just to galvanize, but to forcibly overthrow this entrenched economic system. To take up arms, gather resources, and live communally. Naturally, violence will indeed occur and be prevalent in this kind of revolution which is why this book has been the source of much controversy in America among all facets of the political spectrum. Despite the negative connotations associate with this publication, I feel that with almost any significant revolution, violence really cannot be avoided; it is a reality.

We see it in nature, animals take each others lives in order to live and defend themselves. Now I know this logic hardly compares  when it comes to human acts of violence, however it remains difficult for me to envision the collapse of a western worldview going down peacefully without a fight. Moreover, I don’t really see how this publication is any different from the numerous pamphlets that circled around during the American Revolution which moved to overthrow Britain’s hold on the U.S. colonies.

Granted, this book does challenge a lot more than just a break away from an oppressive government, meaning that resistance, brutality, and fighting will have to occur in order to extinguish everything that has deluded us from the truth, which is a difficult concept for most to swallow or accept. But when you are talking about seriously killing an established sickly culture that nurses us to death, there is going to be severe opposition because you are challenging a concrete  foundational way of life that almost everyone is afraid to leave behind.

Just imagine for a minute, waking up one day only to see yourself face to face with the world, every concept you use to understand the world is gone. You look out and see no billboards, no buildings, no cars. You are naked, terrified, and alone. In this moment of ultimate self-reflection, you have nothing to reflect on except your senses. You think this is the apocalypse, you think this is judgment day, but it is not. It is true freedom. Now you are left with two choices. You can either flee from this horrible moment and never look back. Or you can head off into the unknowable future of this moment. This book wants to inform you on how to realize this moment and why we need to choose the latter of these two choices, loosing everything as you understand it via the collapse of western culture.

So whats it gonna be?

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Obama Wins the Nobel Peace Prize Too Soon?

The Nobel Peace Prize

The Nobel Peace Prize

President Obama Wins the Nobel Peace Prize with His Tone of Change.

President Obama wins the Nobel Peace Prize with his tone of change.

As you have probably heard, president Obama received the Nobel Peace Price after being nominated for it only 11 days after his inauguration.  News of this hit the masses surprisingly as well as Obama himself, who actually seemed hesitant  to accept it  largely due to the fact that extreme Conservatives and Republicans would have an absolute field day with this news. Whether or not people are skeptical and may feel that this award was premature, there is no denying that Obama’s messages have grabbed and maintained attention and presence in many nations.

While this award may seem like the result of a successful campaign strategy or the lingering awe of an extremely charismatic person, particularly to Americans on the home front, Obama has indeed inspired many nations to change their attitude. I think that most Americans have trouble seeing the true influence that his tone and refreshing engagement with other countries has ignited, mostly because we have become so entrenched with our own scrupulous politics that we refuse to acknowledge or see the bigger picture. Premature? Maybe. Undeserved? No.

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What Did You Miss In The News this Week?

ACORN coverage dies before it even had a chance.

ACORN coverage dies before it even had a chance.

Although some CSU's are diligently protesting, why have others fallen silent? Why do news outlets continue to disregard the outrage?

Although some CSU's are diligently protesting, why have others fallen silent? Why do news outlets continue to disregard the outrage?

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Monopoly- Corporate Health Insurance Edition!

Giant health Insurance corporations have been laughing all the way to the bank.

Giant health insurance corporations have been laughing all the way to the bank on our dollar.

American health insurance giants have been laughing all the way to the bank with their cigars and private jetliners in tow. But now, in a bizarre Quentin Tarantino kind of twist, they have claimed that THEY are the victims in all of this. Citing that health care reform will stifle a competitive system which keeps the legitimacy of their agency and objectives in check. However, their inconsiderate laughter has now become an echo of cries as health care reform advocates challenge the status quo, while demanding the destruction of this long engrained monopolized abuse of the people. These health insurance execs are shaking in their suits. Obama does not need to wage a war on health care reform, because the people will, whether or not Obama succeeds.

Why has it taken so long for  health insurance agencies to realize that we are only going to put up with skyrocketing costs year after year for so long? Surely they unconsciously knew it was coming? Everyone who has been ripped off, eventually realizes it. Sorry, health insurance companies, we are not your sheep after all.

It seems that the un-healthier you are, the less insurance companies would be inclined to allow you coverage, on the contrary. Sick people equal big bucks, so lets just allow them minimal coverage for the time being and when they really need us, we will slam more charges down their swollen throats! Oh but why must we stop  there? Doctors who are contracted under us will do little to nothing to develop an informative relationship with their patients! Just treat it like a Mc-Donalds drive-thru, and then, WE will act like the ones who need help!

“Can I have an unneccessary biopsy please? Charge it!”

—- “No problem, thanks for coming to CINGA, and don’t let the door hit your diseased ass on the way out.”

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Women Armed with Tools…or not.

rosie.web

Today I decided to take on a household project that has been looming over my head for weeks. Hanging up curtains. It has been about a month now since I moved into the new place, and I am not proud to say the house has been completely vulnerable to “peeping toms”. Being paranoid about walking into the kitchen and living room in my pj’s at night for three weeks, finally ruled to be too exhausting and stressful. Even though I have a very handy top-of-the-line tool box, rechargeable drill and all…I sadly knew I would need some help; a lot. Thus, I picked up the phone and swiftly dialed my handy-dandy step dad, who could probably wrangle an American brown bear while perfectly installing a few curtain rods.

My step dad (the one who bought me the pretty intense tool kit) started measuring, drilling, and sweating as I stood there and watched like a newborn baby opening its eyes for the first time stunned. It’s not like I have never done handy  or “manly jobs” as one would call them, I am quite proud of the doorknob I installed recently, as well as moving some bulky furniture all by my self. But the bottom line is, when it comes to installing, fixing, and maintaining house hold items and do-it-yourself projects, like most women, I found that I never really took the time to learn how to do these things. Namely because deep down I knew that I could get a man to do it for me. This thought that occurred to me, actually sadden me because I knew that if I asked my step dad to show me how to fix something, he would totally take the time to teach me, it was just me who did not want to take the time to learn.

I feel that I pride my self on being very self-sufficient, independent, and able to solve most problems by myself, however today I realized that I have not been holding myself to those same standards when it comes to fixing things around the house. Consequently I felt disgusted by myself for thinking that I do not need to learn certain skills, i.e. hanging up curtain rods, simply because I can have someone else do it for me. Yuck!

I am now vowing to explore my foreign and scary toolbox and learn how to tame it in order to rely on myself more often. Even if I install the doorknob upside down, or make big holes in the wall trying to hang up curtain rods, I will go out and conquer unknown territory all in the name of independence!

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Say Something, Anything

English 247, SDCC, Spring 2013

The Spirit of a Writer

A writer perservers. A Writer endures. A Writer writes because they must

A Canvas Of The Minds

A unique collaboration of different perspectives on mental health and life

HarsH ReaLiTy

My goal with this blog is to offend everyone in the world at least once with my words… so no one has a reason to have a heightened sense of themselves. We are all ignorant, we are all found wanting, we are all bad people sometimes.

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